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The Long Way Back//October 32nd, 2023

 Every year I talk about November 1st...it's such a confusing day. It makes me feel so many emotions all at once. Mournful, depressed, angry...It's like a slap in the face shoving us into a new month, forcing us to forget what came just hours before.

Last year, I did have somewhat of an epiphany regarding the month of November as a whole, and while I do my best to keep my own past words in mind, that doesn't make today any easier. Or easy to explain, for that matter. I suppose I should speak from my heart. 

Today I feel detached from reality, as if I don't really exist. Like there is no longer a place in the world for me. Just yesterday everything I loved made sense, and was loved and revered by everyone else as well. I felt like I fit. But now, today, I see those same things being quickly shoved away. Less than twenty-four hours after trick-or-treating time began, it's all being swept under the rug. The season culminated and the world is no longer a place I recognize. I feel as though either I am not here, or that I am and no one can really see me anymore. Today I am a decoration, or a pumpkin with the beginnings of rot, staring off of a porch that's gone dim, wondering how much time I truly have left. 

Today I feel like someone very close to me has died. A memory pops into my mind and I feel joyous and then a powerful sense of loss when I remember that the subject of my memories is gone, at least for awhile. 365 days, 52 weeks...however you wish to slice it, it all feels like an eternity today.

Today I feel like I should be headed into a storage facility with the remaining decorations. What use am I, in a world where I only fit in once a year? Another year of being stared at, another year of sticking out like a puzzle piece that a child insists should fit in a particular spot but obviously doesn't. It feels less and less worth it every year, and more and more baffling. Why are some things acceptable during one time of the year, but not another? For me the secret of life is to do what lmakes me happy no matter the calendar date. But for most, not living life by a calendar is a scandalous concept. Unthinkable, almost dirty somehow. And it makes me want to disappear.

I won't, of course. I'll continue to shine my beacon of jack o'lantern light, for myself and for anyone else who may need it. And I'm sure, soon enough, I'll find that mournful side of November again, the part that feels like fall, still, with the echoes of Halloween rather than the sighs of defeat. 

But for today, I am sad. I am lost. I am, to an extent, without purpose or reason. I look in the mirror and my reflection seems distant. I look at the long road stretched out in front of me and my legs ache. 

Such is life, on November 1st. If I can count on nothing else, I can count on the weight of this day.

Stay spooky, my friends. 





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