"I Can't Wait To Watch You Die."//October 213th, 2023

It’s truly a strange feeling to look at something and think

“I can’t wait to watch you die.”

But yet, as the Gregorian months of April and May drone on, propelling us closer to summer with every passing hour, as the leaves emerge and everything becomes an endless sea of green, lightly peppered with other colors that seem manufactured even if they aren’t, that is all I can think.

I can’t wait to watch them die.

Green leaves are so boring. And the world is so green in the spring. It seems like the decor of a minimalist, married to one color scheme, clean but blah. And I am anything but a minimalist.

I don't understand why spring and summer are considered so beautiful; why they make people seem to feel so alive.

I can't wait to watch them die.

As I look up at the thick, green leaves, remembering a restaurant I frequented as a child that was built to look like a rainforest, I start to picture them in all sorts of vibrant hues of orange, yellow, red, even brown.

I can't wait to watch them die.

Why am I most alive when everything is dying? Do I have it backward, or does the rest of the world? Why do my anxieties and depressions set in as the world goes brighter and hotter and enters its 'new beginning'?

I guess all I really know is, as the fall gets closer, my anxieties and depressions diminish, and I can tell you from the bottom of my heart:

I can't wait to watch them die.

As the rest of the world is born anew, I wait for my turn. I can almost see it, seeping its way through the veins of the newly bloomed leaves.

I can't wait to watch them die, because then, I be alive again.

Inspired by the thoughts of my teenage self on the way to the school bust stop one spring morning.

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