In addition to “Code Orange” alerts mentioned in my previous post, there is another spooky summer tradition that started for me last year:
The premiere of the ever-interesting ride that is American Horror Stories, the sorta-spinoff anthology series to my favorite TV show, American Horror Story.
I started reviewing Stories here last year, and if you read those reviews, you probably recall my mixed feelings on the episodes. In hindsight there was really only one episode that truly stood out to me and made the series worth the price of admission, and I actually did briefly contemplate not watching this season after 90% of the last one failed to deliver, but a) I’m probably more likely to saw an arm off my body than I am to ever truly quit anything AHS-related (unless they keep up the alien BS) and b) as soon as I found out Denis O’Hare would be involved, I immediately changed my tune. My only career goal that doesn’t involve the Halloween industry in some way is “Denis O’Hare’s Personal Hypeman”. The man played my ultimate favorite AHS character of all time and forever inspiration, Liz Taylor, and overall he’s just a massive delight to watch in whatever he does. So once he was on board, so was I. And, as luck would have it, he was the headliner in the first episode, so if the rest of the episodes are absolute garbage, I still won’t feel like I’m stuck in the mud waiting for him.
Anyway.
The first episode of this season is entitled Dollhouse. I must say, it’s had some of the best promo work I’ve seen since Hotel. These images are attention-grabbing and really, really creepy, even if you’re someone who’s always liked dolls. These “dolls” are vacant and soulless, yet stare right into you.
The opening sequence is also a really, really good one. That’s one thing I can say about Stories…Even if some of the episodes are terrible, the opening credits are some of the best the AHS universe has had to offer in years.
Our episode opens with a businessman named Mr. Van Wirt, played by Denis O’Hare with a slight, slow Southern accent. Van Wirt is looking for a new secretary for his toymaking business, and is interviewing a woman called Coby. Coby seems almost over-qualified for the job and Van Wirt seems impressed. So, it’s actually a pretty surprising moment when he tells her she’s just not right for the position. But as she gets up to leave, she’s grabbed and chloroformed by a foreboding looking bodyguard, and the next thing she knows, she’s in what looks like an exact replica of a little dollhouse in Van Wirt’s office.
Van Wirt tells Coby that he simply couldn’t hire her just as a secretary and instead will be keeping her to participate in a “pageant”. Coby of course tries to escape, but fails, and after Van Wirt and his almost-tongue-less muscle man, Eustace, leave, some of the large dolls start to move, revealing that they aren’t dolls at all, but other women that Van Wirt has captured to compete in his pageant.
These “dolls” reveal to Coby that the purpose of Van Wirt’s pageant is actually to choose a new mother for his young son, Otis. Van Wirt’s wife was recently caught cheating and she and her paramour where thrown down a well on the property, fueling Van Wirt’s creepy obsession with doll-like perfection in a woman. The basic gist of the “pageant” is that the women dress up like dolls and perform certain “perfect wife” tasks assigned by Van Wirt, with points accumulating for each mistake they make. The one with the highest amount of points at the end of each exercise is disposed of, being thrown down the well much like the late Mrs. Van Wirt herself.
When Coby is told to don a doll disguise from the eclectic selection in the dollhouse, she chooses a a fun vintage clown costume and calls herself, not so creatively, “Coby the Clown”.
It’s kinda giving Loonette from The Big Comfy Couch vibes. But I have to say, I like it, and would probably buy that doll.
Coby (who I now fully keep wanting to refer to as Loonette) ends up really charming young Otis by making a toy truck move entirely on its own. Over the course of a few days, when Otis comes to visit the dollhouse, the two bond, with Coby revealing to Otis that she was born with strange powers she can’t explain, and Otis telling Coby that he truly wants her to win and become his mother. Coby attempts to talk Otis into convincing his father to let the other women go, promising to be his mother no matter what, but Otis can’t seem to get up the courage to talk to dear old dad about this, so Coby and the other dolls come up with a plan to escape, using Coby’s powers.
The pose a bunch of actual mannequins as themselves and then sneak out while Van Wirt is distracted, thinking he is talking to the dolls about their next challenge. On their way out, Coby insists on going back to save Otis from his father’s insanity, but the other two dolls take off into the woods, where they are shot by Eustace.
It turns out, Otis’s favorite doll, in addition to probably several other things in the dollhouse, was bugged, and Van Wirt knew of the escape plan the entire time. But, he decided to turn the tables and make this escape plan the final challenge, to see if any of the dolls would prove they did actually care about Otis. Of course, Coby passed by going back for him, and is declared the winner.
But her prize is a lot deeper than being able to leave the dollhouse and care for Otis. Van Wirt uses some kind of odd machine to turn her into a literal living doll.
Pity she couldn’t have kept the clown look, the aesthetic was better.
Coby is slowly adjusting to the doll life when one day, she is suddenly saved by two witches, who come in looking exactly like our girls did in Apocalypse. For a second I think one of them is Cordelia, but since this is set in the 1960s, that would be impossible. I’m thinking she may have actually been Anna Leigh Layton, but that hasn’t been confirmed. Anyway, they confirm Coby’s witch status and whisk her, and Otis, at her insistence because this witch doesn’t know when to leave well enough alone, away to Miss Robicheaux’s Academy For Exceptional Young Ladies, AKA, the Coven house. Coby says that she thinks Otis should not go by his real name and asks if he has a middle name that he would like to be called instead.
His response?
“Spalding”.
And, just in case coming to the realization that we’ve just seen one of AHS’s most curious background characters’ origin story, who comes running down the steps to introduce herself but an unmistakable little-girl version of Myrtle Snow.
I cried. How cute is this kid?!
I’ll admit that I more or less went into this episode knowing that Spalding would resurface in some form or another, as Denis has more or less been hinting at it since announcing his involvement. But I still think it was a lot of fun to see this come together, and to come to understand why Spalding was the way he was.
One of my hopes for Stories has always been that it would occasionally bring back some of the minor characters and flesh them out a bit more, and this episode really delivered in that way. Spalding is a character that’s never really been delved into, and this was a great standalone story that really helped us understand where he came from. The fact that his father’s influences stayed so deep rooted in him over the years gives him an extra aura of creepiness.
Opening season one of Stories with a Murder House plot was definitely a smart move on the producers’ part, to get people to watch, but honestly, it didn’t flow the way this episode did. (And don’t even get me started on the finale. I still have no idea what we as an audience were supposed to take away from that.) Last season’s opener felt forced, like a little sibling trying to get in with their older, more popular sibling’s friend group, where as this one felt like a true, standalone horror story that just happened to connect to a character we’ve met previously. I could actually see this having been a full season, or maybe a half season, if they wanted to get into where all the dolls had come from and show the challenges and eliminations in more detail. Could’ve been almost a reality show format, where every week you wait to see if your favorite will be voted off.
My only complaint about this episode was the fact that Coby’s powers felt forced and unnecessary. I understand that’s how Spalding got to the school, but if Coby were really a witch, how in the world was she not able to get herself out of the situation sooner? She was banging on doors and windows when she was first locked up, when she very clearly knows how to open a door magically. The witches at the end explain this away as her powers being rusty from lack of use, which makes some sense, but still. You mean to tell me she wouldn’t even try prior to making her plan with the other dolls? Or attempt to use magic to try and pass her challenges?
But, all in all, we’re definitely off to a strong start. I’m hoping this momentum can be kept, but I’m not holding my breath just yet. I’m just hoping we’ll get some good, real horror stories this year, and maybe see some more old friends again. I’m still waiting for Twisty backstory episode.
Stay spooky, my friends. I think we’re in for an interesting ride!
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