As someone who enjoys lost episode/cursed video types of “creepypasta” stories, I was beyond excited for the third episode of American Horror Stories, entitled “Drive-In”, promising us a tale centered around a cursed film. This is the type of thing I’ve always wanted to see portrayed in the AHS universe. It has so much potential, and I knew AHS could take the concept in some crazy directions.
So, it saddens me greatly to say, this episode is probably my least favorite thing to come out of the AHS universe to date.
Our story starts with teenage couple Chad and Kelley, making out to an old Bob Ross episode, and Kelley walking out after Chad gets pissed that she still won’t have sex with him after six months of dating. It’s typical teen drama and sadly, not especially well-acted.
The next morning at school, Chad is complaining to his friends that he’s going to die a virgin, (and also explaining why he chose a Bob Ross episode, to try and induce ASMR, and, as someone who experiences ASMR, I can tell you he doesn’t really understand the concept) and one of his buddies suggests that maybe relaxation isn’t the key to getting laid, but fear may be. He then goes on to tell the story of a supposedly cursed film called “Rabbit Rabbit”, that apparently caused its one and only audience at a movie theater in 1986 (which is also odd because, to me, almost everything about the visuals of the episode at this point save for the streaming Bob Ross episode, make it look like it could be set in 1986) to go insane and kill each other. Conveniently for our young virgin, the local drive-in theater that’s recently reopened has managed to get its hands on the last remaining print of the movie and will be screening it the next night, so what better way to finally trash that v-card!
Chad goes home and does a teeny bit of research on the film, which leads him to a video of a court hearing after the first showing in ‘86, during which the filmmaker, Larry Bitterman, attacks Tipper Gore. Now, I know it’s only an hour episode and there’s only so much that can be shown, but, as someone who reads these type or stories and has an interest in these types of urban legends, I find it hard to believe that there’s not something else out there. Some fraction of leaked footage, a still image, even news articles relating to what happened in ‘86...I mean, even people who create creepypastas that are obviously fake, often create some kind of “proof” to go with it. But this kid is clearly not thinking with the right head, and he and his paramour decide to attend the screening at the drive-in, not believing the hype for a second.
When the night of the screening comes, there is one lone protestor outside the drive-in gate, portrayed by Naomi Grossman and billed as “Rabid Ruth”, which makes absolutely zero sense because there’s nothing about her that reads as “rabid”. She’s just a really distraught woman who is apparently the sole survivor of the ‘86 showing, her eye literally eaten out of its socket by her then-boyfriend. I also have a hard time believing that this woman would be the only protestor of a movie that’s supposed to do such awful things... I mean, really, where was the Westboro Baptist Church on this one?! And wouldn’t these kids’ parents have been around to hear any stories that may have gone around after the initial showing? Again, I get that it’s just a one-hour show and they can’t include every little detail, but I couldn’t help but feel like we were just supposed to disregard reality entirely on some of these points. The thing about the AHS universe is that it usually does so well building its worlds, it’s very hard to accept a corner of it where things aren’t quite so fleshed out.
Anyway, the print arrives at the theater, the woman running the projector (played by Adrienne Barbeau) is told very specifically how it should be played (we’ll come back to this later) and the movie starts.
Long story short, Chad and Kelley don’t see much of anything because Kelley has decided that a cursed film at a drive-in theater is the perfect atmosphere in which to dispose of your virginity, (Side note, I don’t care how horny I am, if there’s a banned fucking horror movie on the screen in front of me, I’m going to be watching it. Literally everything else can wait.) but everything else happens just like before. The viewers all start turning into literal flesh eating zombies, poor Rabid Ruth dies a very unceremonious death considering her once-final-girl status, and Chad and Kelley are presumably the only survivors. Meanwhile, I am the definition of disappointed because we never get to actually see any of Rabbit Rabbit. As a fan of cursed film legends and someone who likes to watch things like the video from The Ring for fun and inspiration, this was the part of the episode I was looking forward to the most and I was robbed. (Another side note: If you Google “Rabbit Rabbit movie” and click the video tab, most of the suggestions are videos relating to Peter Rabbit 2. Do with that what you will.)
Our “heroes” (Can two teenagers who got lucky by literally getting lucky really be considered heroes?) then remember that one of their now-dead friends told them that he heard on 4-Chan that there was going to be an encore screening the following night (because we believe everything we hear on the internet except the one thing we apparently should in this universe), so they set out to find where the movie came from in an attempt to stop this from spreading any further.
It is then we get to officially meet Larry Bitterman, who, iconically, lives in a trailer but drives a Rolls Royce. The one redeeming thing about this episode is the portrayal of Larry Bitterman by one of my top favorite AHS alums, John Carroll Lynch. Mr. Bitterman explains how Rabbit Rabbit came to be so maniacally and yet so precisely and sincerely that you will question whether this man deserves the electric chair or the Nobel Prize and possibly an Academy Award, and that’s all in John Carroll Lynch’s delivery of his lines. He explains the use of subliminal messaging, and the combined effect of certain imagery and frequencies of sound that cause a certain response in people, and when you hear how tirelessly he’s worked to find something, that perfect combination that creates such a response in people, you’ll almost find yourself wanting to root for him. I do, however, think the zombie bit was overkill and just having humans lose their minds and murder each other would’ve been enough. I don’t think even the most perfect combination of subliminals could create a literal zombie, decaying flesh and all, but the mental effect is fully plausible.
Kelley and Chad are unmoved, though, and torch the original copy of Rabbit Rabbit, leaving Larry Bitterman and his trailer to burn. Kelley utters a cringeworthy line about how he put them in a horror movie and now they’re returning the favor, which falls flat because there’s simply no oomph to her character, and Larry yells a warning that this isn’t over yet. We see Chad and Kelley do that slow-motion action hero walk away from the burning trailer, which again falls completely flat because these two characters are about as bland as an unsalted saltine, and they wind up back at Chad’s house to finally, officially do the deed. Am I supposed to be satisfied with this “happy ending”? Because I’m not.
The camera then pans to the TV, which is on a Netflix menu that suddenly flips to an advertisement for a just-added movie: Rabbit Rabbit. We see explosions happening outside the window, while one of the most annoying songs I think I’ve heard plays, and that’s that. My final question is, would streaming the movie to people’s homes really even work? It’s stated very explicitly that there’s a specific way the movie has to be played and that the sound frequencies and image quality play a big role in creating the effect, and I highly doubt everyone’s home entertainment systems or other electronic devices can play it just right. (Think of the poor souls who desperately need a phone upgrade!) But, that’s just the final thing on a long list of what doesn’t make any real sense to me regarding this episode.
I try to be open-minded with everything related to AHS, as I get so annoyed with people who have to nitpick and hate, but this episode just wasn’t it for me, at all. It was like watching a generic horror short film that desperately wanted to be like AHS but just kept missing the mark, save for its one saving grace actor. Seriously, if you’re a John Carroll Lynch fan like me, I would give this one a watch just for his stellar monologue about how to mess with people’s heads through cinema, but other than that, and possibly the opening credits, it’s kind of skippable, and I truly hate to say that. I just know that my favorite show, and the universe it created, can do better. I don’t necessarily think the concept of a cursed film is enough to base an entire season on, but trying to cram it all into this particular one-off episode made it seem incredibly rushed, and the “meh” performances from the kids we were supposed to be rooting for didn’t help. They certainly didn’t earn the right to do that slow-motion strut away from the burning trailer, in my opinion.
Perhaps the final question I’ll leave here is this: Why was this cursed film named after the old “Rabbit Rabbit” tradition? If you’ve never heard of it before, it’s actually an old superstition that’s supposed to bring good luck. I remember learning about it through Nickelodeon as a child: The first of the month was always “Rabbit Rabbit Day”, and the legend went that if the first words out of your mouth upon waking on the first of the month were “Rabbit Rabbit”, then you would have good luck for the rest of the month. I did this religiously for a time in my childhood, then once had a bad day after doing so and actually became convinced that the words had become cursed and vowed never to say them, at least in that context, again.
But anyway, here is hoping for a better episode next week. If this is what we have to look forward to from the standalone episodes, I kind of wish they would’ve just continued to carve out little stories from the original settings. But I’m not ready to give up yet. As previously stated, I know AHS can do better, and every time there’s something I don’t particularly like, I still know that it always will.
Stay spooky, my friends. And feel free to share your thoughts, if you’d like.
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